Assorted thoughts and pondering

Let's bloom, my mindgarden! (Manifesto)

Something went horribly wrong with my ‘puter today!! I’m not totally sure what it was though. A malfunction?? Something to do with my hard drive? I dunno, I don’t do computers. The point is: I lost my art folder. Both my firealpaca files and the png’s of my artwork are gone.

It wasn’t a very substantial loss. All my old work is saved on this site, and the stuff that wasn’t could be found in discord chats and my google drive. All I really lost in that folder were some unfinished drawings. Still, when the deletion happened, I went through all the stages of grief. I was confused, afraid even. Such profound anxiety washed over me at that moment, I feared I’d break into tears. But why?? What was I really losing?

My hoard. I was scared I would lose my hoard. You see, I’m a digital hoarder. I hold onto useless files, old unfinished projects, scraps of writing and such. Things I’ll keep to myself and do nothing with. I fill my little lenovo with things I’ll never return to or think about again! AND I BACKUP NONE OF IT!!

This was bound to happen, I fear. It was inevitable, almost like karmic justice! A foolish goober who doesn’t take their files seriously learns a lesson the hard way. That’s the summary of my story and I wanted to share it as a warning to you people… actually, I wanna share more than just that.

I wanna share MY HOARD!!! Not in its current stage of course. At this moment it’s like an overgrown garden. A proper thicket full of weeds, where my beautiful flowers grow buried under wretched brambles. I will pluck it, trim until it’s it prim and proper, and then I’ll show you what blooms!!

So honestly, this great file massacre of 2025 was a positive thing in the end. A “wake up call,” you could call it. Looking back, the sneaky way in which I’ve clinged to my old files was detrimental. The things I thought were totally cool and sensical in 2022 just feel dumb now. Even the name of the art folder I lost was idiotic. It was “Wacomil tehty” aka “Made with my wacom” like yeah? Obviously?? That’s what you make all your digital art on these days??? Damn, 15 year old me was a fool.

See you!! I’ll go and work on my garden now!!

New fantasy classes! (list of ideas. Fun!)

I feel like a lot of the classic fantasy classes are pretty done to death. I wanted to make my own!

• Piscator (Fisherman) Devoted to fishing! Their patience and perseverance is unmatched. Their rod can be used as a weapon, being made of the perfect materials. The line is virtually invisible and unbreakable.
• Ironmonger (Welder) Can combine and modify weapons and armor into anything. Melt metal in their hands like clay, but watch out, itts hot hot hot!
• Equestrian (Horse guy) His horse is his weapon, his life, his soul. The bond they share with their steeds cannot be comprehended by outsiders, as the two are practically telepathic.
• Butler Will perform ANY task you ask for the right pay. Highly skilled in a variety of different fields from housework to mercenary duties.

Flow (fun anecdote, short, happy)

I'm not sure about gods or fate, but some kind of flow is keeping this all together. Perhaps it's just my mind narrativising unrelated events, but it's there either way.

I bought myself some fabric at the thrift for one euro. Then I noticed these adorable hugging salt and pepper shakers and I had to get them too! My total was 3€, and when I gave the cashier 4€ she gave me two 50 cent coins. I guess they just happened to run out of 1€ coins.

Then I got to the metro station with my shakers and fabric in hand, and I heard singing! Two little girls had set up a busking act near the candy shop. One sang loud and clear, and the other was shy and mumbly. It reminded me of the shakers, as one of them had a mouth and the other didn't. I walked past them to the escalator, bummed that I didn't have change to give to the young hustlers...

Then I remembered the two 50 cent coins! I went back up and gave each on them one. They thanked me so joyously. All the pieces snapped together that day.

Death (what happens when we die? atheistic, pondering)

I doubt there’s anything waiting for us beyond the veil. Once we die, it’s all just gone. Our bodies are like machines, powered by the food we eat and controlled by the organic computers in our skulls. We’re not that dissimilar from the gadgets we brew our coffee with, or the buses we take to school, or the laptops we write little essays on. We do things, we need maintenance, and we break eventually. And just like a broken machine, once a living thing dies, that’s it.

Our consciousness isn’t something separate from our bodies, even though it may feel that way sometimes. It’s in our brains — the neurons connecting into each other and the chemicals that pass through our synapses create our identity, our “soul.” Our memories are a web of cells cascading and folding against each other, storing everything about us into living microscopic structures. Your motorics, your thoughts, your emotions, they’re all slotted neatly into their own nooks in your brain. Our bodies are linked to our minds in an inseparable way. Our identity changes with the physical growth and development of our brain. Brain damage can alter your personality, erase your past from your mind or completely change the way you see the world. What you think of as your soul is stored in your brain, like the files and programs on a computer.

Once we die, all of that ceases to exist. We no longer think, and therefore we no longer are. Our bodies go cold and limp, and the web of neurons dies, leaving no trace of our consciousness behind. All that will be left of us are memories in other people’s brains and the work we leave behind — be it art, a family or grand achievements that have changed the world. Traces of us will remain, but we won't. There will be no lingering ghosts or souls floating up from our bodies. It will all end right then and there.

It’s impossible to imagine what being “nothing” is like. Not existing sounds terrifying at first, but I don’t think it’s something to fear. There will be no pain, no black void, no hell to fall in, no heaven to climb to. It’ll all end, whether it be abruptly or as a slow fade to nothing. Just like with a broken machine.

It’s best to not think about it too much though. When our time comes, we’ll all see nothing, and then we’ll feel how “not feeling” feels.